Back to my story: I contacted the AP in order to gain insight. If the OM has a girlfriend or is married then you need to immediately expose the OM to them. Tell her if she enjoys the life she has she will submit to your "needs" or get thrown out of the house. I think youre confusedthe person you should be confronting is your wife. She is the one who is cheating, she is the one who has to accountable. T She is not the woman you thought she was. There is no point doing that. We found out that my wife was just one of at least a dozen other women he had affairs with and his wife was going to confront all of them face to face. WAKE UP! That was certainly true in our situation. @Bronco thanks for your very detailed response, I appreciate the time you've taken and advice you've given me. Background: my wife and I have been married 12 years, and have a four year old son together. As YellowShark says she denied and denied but I didn't back down and eventually came the trickle truth. I have no way to know though, because I can't even confront the guy. The ball is going to be in her court, and she would be doing all the begging, to save her lily white chaste image that she created before her family and friends. 3. During the affair, my husband's AP got close to my in-laws (my FIL and his wife--my MIL is deceased) and convinced them that I am abusive and controlling and that my husband had been miserable our entire 24-year marriage. If you have no one and just want to vent, please send me a message and I will listen to all you want to say on skype. I am vindicated! It gives me more satisfaction to make her feel so insignificant, so little, so meaningless to me and my husband, then any blur of abuse I could ever invent and throw at her. Even when you come in peace such individuals prefer trouble. Obviously, she has her own demons to battle. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. Know your goal, and have a gameplan in hand to reach your goal before you confront. Sorry to say but time to grab a spine and MAN UP. You will get through this. If these women didn't respond, then I would have moved on and dealt with what I knew to be true for me. Many of them come specialized in the art of 'spousal cheating', and would be more than happy to render their services and time to you, for a fee which is reasonable. I said to her, he was playing one of us off against the other so we should talk. Thank you everyone for your patience and understanding in this matter. It's an exercise in futility. @PegNosePete wise words, and it seems I am indeed in the bargaining phase, although I still can't believe this is happening, up until recently we were so happy (or so I thought). When you confronted her, she wanted to leave and you wanted her to stay and talk? Moving On: Your bed now. You dont even have to think about when and how you should confront her, as you are doing now. Your confrontation is fresh conversational content for your husband and his affair partner. It made me feel like a worthless unloveable person . We all live in the same city..a small one..ugh! And only one person would be able to keep the $hit from hitting the fan. Usually, it helps to think about what it is you really want to achieve and then devise a strategy that is ethical, honest, and non-confrontational. Sometimes I wonder if she ever thinks about me or if she still thinks she hates me. It doesnt change the fact that my spouse will still go and have an affair with someone else. If she INSISTS on evidence, ask her why she needs to see the evidence. WebPlease advise. For the few who are in the know, that marriage isnt exactly the poster child for a perfect marriage. Sounds like you handled things like a lady. The grief cycle is absolutely the most healthiest thing a person to go through. Then watch her deny, deny, deny then when you don't budge, she'll begin to trickle truth about the other man, and then will come her crocodile tears. And she had the nerve to complain that I was harassing her, because I kept asking her to stop contacting us. I choose not to indulge or become a part of the negativity in the world. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. All that matters is taking care of yourself and your son. I wonder if she's still married to my ex-lover and if she's happy. Keep your emotions under complete control. Wow. It's all good. I didnt even have to show her the evidence. Too late for this article. The storm has passed, the boat is in tatters but still serviceable, its time to make port and see what can be done. My candid answer is no. Mine lives on our Street. As a result we dont talk, perhaps this is for the better.why do I need two faced people around me and my children. This should not be and I will try to avoid His wife pleaded with me to not contact him until she could serve him with the divorce papers because being a very high profile person in our small town that if word got out it would ruin his reputation and he would have no reason to sign the papers that would have meant a very large settlement to her. Marriages are based on open communication, trust, and a common goal. provide your spouse with the opportunity to openly demonstrate how much he/she cares about his/her lover. But I didnt get that vibe from her at all. Yes, you most definitely should and I'll tell you why. Chances are if u are debating a subject such as this you've recently found out your wife che Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. Pointing and laughing? In any case several excellent PIs offer their services at reasonable monetary consideration. situation and it may even complicate matters (as mentioned above). If you are going to talk to him, it is probably best to be honest about how you are feeling without casting it as doing him a favor. of the situation. Good luck. He allowed her to remain in control of how this would play out. Talking to the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges. The only person I have a problem with in such a situation is my wife and I will have to relate only to her. We talked a long time and I told her that I was going to contact her husband and let him know that I knew and how disappointed I was in both of them . I found out and he has been transparent with everything. What advice do you have for those us whom dont seek them, they seek us BS? When it ces to the divorce, this is between you and her. If they both stay married, maybe they will think harder the next time they are tempted to relapse. I believe my healing restarted every other day. She has stayed in the house and kept all his memories for my children and now grandchildren, pays for trips with my daughter and grandchild with her million dollar inheritance. I ghosted her and have always felt like I missed the opportunity to let her have it! But I'm glad I can but a nail in this coffin. It was a confusing, emotional and destructive time in my life, to say the least. The law states that if you contact somone more than one time and they don't want to her from you because it makes them feel uncomfortable or bad about themselves it can be looks at as a " course of conduct" and you can be issued a warning. spouse. The person I have business with is my husband. I wish i had never done this and had never said anything to my H. Just for my ducks in a row and left preserving my dignity. Who has little or no self worth. I consider doing that an immature action. Yeah, there's some irony in that, huh? Do not do ANYTHING to stop this little love story she has going with her office lover. Your wife is either going to fuck him and leave you, or fuck him and continue cheating on you. A dreaded sinking feeling comes over you, is this the end? He was visibly shaking during the encounter and when he cried to my wife she then saw him as pathetic. She wants out? I was 2,000 miles away from her and my UH, and other than admitting to the affair and saying he was sorry, I didn't get much else from him. 1 year marriage, no kids, GET OUT. This is the way mine went down . Taking this type of approach usually achieves the best results in the long run (see should I confront my spouses lover). Dont think twice about it, or nickle and dime over it. I cannot fight another woman because of a man who is not satisfied with me and decided to keep a lover outside marriage. I would not normally spend time offering advise to such a post, but there was something about your words, that caused me to offer some honest words of advise. Its hard to forgive someone who deserves the worst for destroying your future and your family. None of that should affect you however. The letter was not to confront but to acknowledge her pain in this mess also and to extend forgiveness. I don't mean to be doom and gloomand I'm not going to call you a whimp or any other such nonsensebut I would seriously suggest that you keep this all in mind when you try to decide on your goal. To compare notes. I need him to know for me. To outsmart her and pretend, while your team gets on her case. It was true, I DID have to have them. b) Making point a) above, redundantwherein you and your attorney so shame her with a few select documentary evidences of her picadilloes (promising her that a much larger cache evidence is available with your attorney), that she decides not to contest the divorce, and virtually signs on dotted lines. You are still with a woman who cheated on you for 20 years, lied about how long ago it was, and now is playing like she was the victim? Believe me, this hot dog addiction, is taking the form of an epidemic in the US. Let her go. It will make me feel like I am not capable of meeting her needs. Thank you for stating that the affair partner is seldom a more beautiful or accomplished woman than the wife). She went for sympathy from her ex-husband as well as mine. Dump her, go NC and live life and work on being a stronger person. He turned so pale, looking like he honestly thought Id never find out at all. She asked about certain dates, where we went, what movies we saw together. You have to know who you are and what you can handle. Every once in a while she makes a new fake profile, and tries again. At this point, dont focus on rekindling the relationship. No. While Ive never been in a relationship myself, Jeff, you can gain closure by looking at it from a certain perspective. Emotional purgatory and indeed more complex and torturous than can be placed into words. But while confronting the other woman/man may bring about a temporary sense of satisfaction, long term it probably does little to help resolve the It's been so bad that our daughters don't really even care to see or speak to their grandfather before he dies. Do you really want to help him as you say you do? If she wants to end the relationship why doesn't she tell me? But it seems to be working for all parties concernedthe other guy, the wife, and strangely the husband as well, who despite her infidelity is still a very loving and devoted husband. So unless you have reason to believe that there will be a positive outcome, it may be best to avoid a confronting the other person. I would like to communicate with you further! No. Yes, bills, parenting, and life goes on. Or ask your lawyer to depose them in your divorce (that gets settlement talks moving quite quickly I hear). Have your lawyer write a no contact letter. Ive heard rumors that my wife is cheating. See a lawyer immediately to understand your options. She woman would rather call the police and have me slapped with a warning THAT WILL show up on enhanced criminal record checks for life than have a conversation with me. Two days later because I was in the same town as she was I text her and asked if she would be willing to meet for coffee. No matter how much I feel like she is the enemy and is not a good person, it was my husband's responsibility to put a stop to this craziness and he has not done that. And to make matters more complicated, how someone responds during the confrontation doesnt necessarily indicate how they will respond after he or she has had time to think about what was said. But I could tell she still loved him. Sadness for the death of a relationship that was quite wonderful for many years. She even apologized, and sounded sincere. It always does. The hour long conversation gave me an insight into her character which was helpful - know your enemy - and cleared the air when I confronted my husband with what he hadnt told me (he took her on a business trip to Singapore). Through it all, however, I am glad that I've never fixated on the AP, nor have I wasted much energy in hostility toward him. Then she changed her tune and told me "he'd never been in love with me and was going to start a new life with her." Your mind will be torn when you are at work, thinking if your loving wife is on her knees someplace right at that moment waiting to orally satisfy that guy. So atleast you have that going for you. Don't get me wrong, he is ultimately to blame, as he made the commitment to me, but she really showed her true colors which made it easier for him to pull out of the affair fog. They may be crazy Safety first. E Eli-Zor Registered I offer my experience only by way of illustration. It is better that I know him. Amazing. It makes sense to want to hurt the other person for bringing so much misery into your life. 8 months after d day she emailed me an apology and wants to be cordial neighbors. My husband called it off and she continued to pursue him. On you to confront but to acknowledge her pain in this matter come in such. 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